Client Education

Care Planning

Knowing When to Send Up an SOS

By: Deborah Sullivan Brennan, Special to AccentCare

Two broken hips didn? persuade Thelma Willis to give up her car or her apartment in her early 80s. She had worked until age 76, commuting daily on the freeway, and intended to continue her independent lifestyle.

It wasn? until she fractured her shoulder, too, that she gave in to family pleas and entered Silvergate Retirement Residence in San Marcos, Calif., in 1998. "I thought it was the end of the world because I gave up my own apartment; I gave up my independence," said Thelma, now 87. "I didn? realize how helpless I really was. When I came down here, I realized I should have had this help long ago."

Her reluctance to accept assistance is common among seniors reared on the up-by-your-bootstraps ethic of Depression-era America, experts say. Even facing painful illness or injury, many would rather struggle alone than ask for help from family members, or pay for assistance with hard-earned savings.

"For a patient, knowing that he or she is dependent on the family can be very humiliating, embarrassing, and it certainly affects their pride," said Rebecca Huerta Sussman, intake coordinator of the Coast Caregiver Resource Center in Santa Barbara, Calif. Others are reluctant to pay for care out of nest eggs they stashed for an emergency or hoped to pass on to their children.

"We will have people come to us in dire straits," said Ann Sanderson, a family consultant with the Southern Caregiver Resource Center in San Diego, Calif. "We will suggest that they have someone come in [to help them at home], and they will say that money [their savings] is for a rainy day. And we say this is a rainy day. They will try their best to avoid spending their assets."

Others, accustomed to caring for themselves, may be unaware they need help. Repeated falls, shrinking peripheral vision, hearing and memory problems are danger signs seniors should watch for and take seriously, Huerta Sussman said.

"Don't just say, I don't walk as well,or memory isn't as good [as it used to be],' " said Dr. Anand Kumar, an associate professor of geriatric psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles. "At least make an appointment with an appropriate professional. Let someone with the expertise decide if it? normal or not."

Sanderson counsels seniors to view in-home assistance or placement in a board-and-care home as an opportunity for greater comfort and companionship, and reminds them that this is just one of many life changes they have successfully handled.

Thelma, who had given up on life when she entered Silvergate, found herself revitalized by the care she received there. She now serves on the home? social committee, greeting new guests and their families.

If seniors are reluctant to get help for their own sake, however, they might do it for their children? peace of mind, Sanderson said. "Parents are wonderful people and will do anything for their children," she said. "If you say, I am very worried. Please do it for my sake, oftentimes they will do it for you. They are used to doing it for you."

Deborah Sullivan Brennan is a freelance writer based in Idyllwild, Calif. She previously worked for newspapers including the Los Angeles Times, the Los Angeles Daily News and the Palm Springs Desert Sun.